It's been a while since I've sat down to write. When I first finished my school year and acquired the ability to breathe again, I told myself I would try to write at least one post a week. However, with the chaos of life and the thrill of traveling, I lost track of my writing, and nothing ever felt right. I would sit down to start, and my fingers refused to dance across the keys. Every word I typed felt stiff and forced. There was no passion or energy behind the words, and I always ended up abandoning them. This isn't going to be a good piece I know. Likely it'll end up being a ramble with maybe a few humorous bits thrown in, but overall this is primarily a way to get the lackluster thoughts out and try and find why I love writing again.
I've been out of school for about a month now, and the heat of the summer has set in that always fogs my brain. The muggy cloying keeps turning all thoughts too much, and I become lethargic, with each day becoming harder and harder to fight off the mist of sleep and crawl out from near my covers.
I almost find myself longing for the structure and necessity that comes with school. It is only there when I can trick my brain into being productive so as to use my anxiety functionally. I miss waking up to the sounds of life around me as everyone in my dorm begins their day as well. I miss being able to leave and go on walks in the canyon whenever I'd like, breathing in nature that is just a stone's throw away. I live in a very urbanized area where nature isn't as easy to come by. We have trees and flowers, but it's nothing to compare to the actual woods.
My family only has a single car, and more often than not, it is not open for me to use as my family has places they need to be. This means I can't just take it for a drive to escape from the city whenever I want to.
I wish that I could live somewhere where I can see the stars. Where I could hear the birds and the trees without any traffic to drown them out. Someday I'd like to find a place where I can step outside my door and be able to breathe without worrying that I am being watched or am in direct danger for simply going outside. Since summer started I've been thinking about what I'm going to be doing these next few years. Because I turn 20 in less than 3 months, I am resigning myself to the fact that I am indeed an adult, and that means I have to do adult things like finding suitable insurance and paying taxes, and making sure I have enough groceries so I don't starve.
I'm going abroad to Ireland next spring, so that means I need a lot of money to support myself while I'm over there. I don't come from a very wealthy family, so my parents help as much as they can, but they can't do everything, so it is up to me to find a way to support myself as I go into this next phase of my life. I have a new job that starts next week, and I will most likely be continuing to work that job along with another one come the fall semester, on top of the 18 credits I will already be taking in classes.
Life is going to be messy. It's going to be hard, and I fully expect to want to quit in these next few months. I know I'm taking on an overwhelming amount of work, in addition to other college activities. I know that working two jobs on top of having a full class schedule and being a part of a couple of clubs will assuredly take a toll on me physically and mentally. However, I will hopefully be able to come out on the other side of it and say it was worth it. Nothing ever comes easy in life. I know that from experience. If you want something, you have to fight with everything you are to get it.
I want you, dear reader, to consider this. Do you not feel more fulfilled when you work for something, and I mean genuinely sweat, tears, and blood work for it than you do when it is handed to you on a silver platter? Fighting is a part of life, and although you have to pick your battles, the wars you face and opponents you fight and overcome will leave you stronger and more sure of yourself than ever before. I say this from experience. I know what it is to fight and lose over and over again. But I also know what it feels like to win and come out of the fire renewed and strengthened far more than I ever could have imagined. Life is about fighting for what you want, and as long as someone believes they can achieve their desires, then there is very little that one cannot overcome.
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