For the majority of my childhood, my parents would take my siblings and me to church on Sundays, where we were heavily involved in the youth group throughout the week. I was baptized as an infant and then confirmed when I was 16, growing up practicing prayer before meals and prior to sleep. It wasn’t until life started to get harder that I began to drift away from the teachings of my younger years.
One of my greatest memories of participating in our Lutheran church was approximately six years ago when I participated in the ELCA Youth Convention in Houston. My mother and I joined our group of about a dozen people and flew halfway across the country at roughly two in the morning. I can vividly remember how powerful it felt to stand in a stadium full of 36-thousand other people, all of whom were there worshiping and communing together.
Though I was only there for about five days, I believe I will always remember my time there. It was shortly after this that my life became more hectic. My older brother dealt with major mental illness and addiction issues, and the residual avalanche left a cavern of chaos in its wake, severing many ties to people I had known for years.
As life got more complicated, we started missing services and grew increasingly distant from our congregation, and as I entered my high school years, I began to doubt. I became filled with great uncertainty and confusion in regard to where I was in my life and where I seemed to be going. My thoughts spiraled around the idea that there was even a greater being watching over us if I was to be put through such hardships in my life, watching those I love slip away from me.
It was speaking with my eighth-grade language arts teacher at the end of my senior year when I first discovered the term agnostic. Since then, that is the term I have used to define my spiritual beliefs. I think there is some form of dietie(s) out there, but the idea of a single omnipotent God no longer feels right. Much like my gender and sexuality crises, I have decided to put off further spiraling into the topic until I am in a clearer and less chaotic chapter of life.
Hi, overall I found myself relating to a lot of aspects of your post, for example I had a similar experience to the one you described having at the ELCA church event in Houston, only my experience was with the LCMS church and took place in Minneapolis. However, I also have differed in some areas as well, as I have not personally questioned my faith, at least I haven't seriously done so. But I still think that you do have a good approach to sorting through everything.
-Daniel